Home for the Holidays…

Last Wednesday was the last day at the office before our break/truncated furlough. I decided to leave a bit early and made the rounds to wish people seasons greetings.

I got to my friend’s office and he warned me to be prepared since this would be my first big holiday without dad.

I started to cry.

He got teary recounting his first Christmas without his dad. It didn’t hit him until he was setting the table. What a fine pair we were.

You think you are okay and a memory, out of nowhere, can knock you down.

The worst is when someone asks how I am doing. They usually don’t ask about specifics and those who are brought up a certain way never do but you both know what is being discussed and it brings all the raw emotions to the surface.

I am getting teary even as I write this in the internet cafe in my hometown. Keeping busy and distracted can hold the emotions at bay, for a while, but you don’t really deal with them. We have all been trying to keep it together, especially in front of mom.

As hard as it is for us, it is nothing compared to what mom is going through. There is really nothing we can do or say to make things better other than just being present.

You want to do more but what can one really do?

I find myself being torn in so many directions, reorganizing mom’s finances, my role as co-executor (and thus my responsibility to my siblings), craziness at work, the renos to my house, what to do with my mom’s house, my boyfriend…. And that is just the tip of the iceberg. I haven’t been able to strike the right balance.

It will take some time- I just hope I don’t lose my sanity before that happens.

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~ by angryegg on December 27, 2009.

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