Responsibility Sucks

I have always been the responsible one.

I am the oldest of five so I have always been expected to set the example.

And like a fool, I have listened.

Stupid, stupid me.

I have always tried to marry the expectations of my parents with my own desire to do something meaningful, to make my mark or just have some fun. But the balance has always tipped to being a good girl, not rocking the boat, being safe rather than take a chance to be great.

Rules were broken. I made the mistake of telling my parents that I am going to do something new and they freaked out.

I am generally not a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl- but that is relative.

I have been alternately described as staid and unconventional and sometimes in the same breath.

I am not comfortable with either extreme.  It doesn’t really bother me either way- though do I see being described as conservative (and not just on political terms) as the bigger “guh.”

I’d like door #3 Monty.

I have reached a point where I have to do something different.  I am spinning my wheels, hoping things will change, expecting others to follow through and then be left holding the bag when everyone else has gone home.

Is this a mid-life crisis???

I am going to take a calculated risk and my parents are not pleased. I’m not a fool. I did not expect them to be thrilled and do a happy dance for me but I did not expect to be smacked down so hard.

They are Chinese parents.  They aren’t the lovey-dovey pie-in-the-sky tell me how you are feeling types.

Tough love, baby.

Cold harsh reality.

No coddling.

Bring home a 95% average and they’ll ask you where the other 5% went.

I couldn’t get off the phone fast enough. Without any details beyond the initial concept, they already have it in their mind that I am going to fail.  

It’s too hard.

There is too much to do.

You don’t have any connections.

Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence.

The “rules” have always been different for each of us but just once it would be nice to be the one who doesn’t get harped on.

Well, lesson re-learned. Don’t ask, don’t tell…. What they don’t know won’t hurt them. Deny, deny, deny.

They would be happy if we all had nice, stable, secure jobs- though what is stable these days?

I am going to forge ahead because I have no choice.  The question is how I let this affect me.

Only time will tell.

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~ by angryegg on April 24, 2009.

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