How Do People Do It? (Slight Reader Discretion Advisory)

I see it but I don’t understand the physics behind it…

 

How is it possible that people can wedge themselves into the clothes they do- especially jeans.

 

Is it magic?

 

Is this really the way jeans are meant to be worn? Does this mean I am wearing the equivalent of “Mom” jeans?

 

I am not just talking regular tight. I am talking TIGHT!!! Bursting sausage tight! A healthy sneeze and wardrobe malfunction tight!

 

Is there a shoe horn equivalent for jeans that I am not aware of?

 

I would wonder if the jeans were just an illusion- that it was really airbrushed on- except it is just too bloody cold!

 

And how is it that there is no muffin top???

 

Is it clever clothing camouflage?

 

Is it Spanx, Donna Karan underpinnings or some generic equivalent??? Maybe I should get on that bandwagon…but then, where does the blub go? Will my internal organs be crushed? Seriously, the blub has to go somewhere! How would one breathe? Is it really worth squeezing into a full fat-sucking bodysuit to get that smooth, muffin top-less look?

Is this false advertising?

 

I don’t care if you are skinny/tubby/short/tall- no one should be able to make out your fancy pube art when fully clothed. I am all about personal expression but that is too much information! And how the hell do they avoid camel-toe? Is there a cup involved?

 

Seriously, I want to know. What tricks did my mother not teach me?

 

I don’t know for a scientific fact but it can’t be healthy. We’ve seen all the pictures of what corsets have done to the human body when they were popular in the not-so-distant past. There is a physical reason women swooned so much back then. Who am I to say this but it is not a big leap that such constricting clothes would do something similar. People who swear by corsets will tell you (quite eagerly) that it will reshape your body and change your life…

 

No shit!

 

If the secrets are made known to me would I Vaseline myself into too tight jeans? I like to eat too much and my boyfriend thinks I am cute the way I am so probably not. Besides, I like to be comfortable and a little slobby- I would rather be that than crotchety because I can’t breathe or eat.

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~ by angryegg on March 5, 2009.

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