Being Erica…Being Me

I woke up feeling old today…

 

I woke up feeling like time is getting away from me…

 

I woke up wondering what the hell I am doing with my life…

 

Mini-mid-life crisis in progress.

 

I have had many moments of doubt, confusion, regret…blah, blah, blah (who doesn’t?)…but occasionally I have those moments (that tend to last for a few days) where I feel despair. Like life has passed me by and there is no turning back.

 

Of course I know that is not true but there is only so much the logical brain can do when the rest of me sinks into a deep melancholy.

 

When there is a convergence of all aspects of your life and it is everything is sh!t…There can be a lot of sh!t going on at once but if there is even one good thing, it makes all the difference. It is funny how the day makes or breaks itself on the small, seemingly inconsequential. As resilient as we are, we are also that fragile.

 

Intellectually, I understand that much of what it means to be happy is perspective. We all have a choice- even if you have to fake it, your brain doesn’t know any different. But, it is easy to get caught up in the minutia of the day-to-day and lose sight of the big picture.

 

I have been watching Being Erica on CBC- until they moved it to my heavy t.v. night so now I watch it online. The character is a 30-something Jewish girl living in Toronto who feels like she has lost her way. Hmmm…. Her life is not what she expected it to be. Hmmm…. She feels left behind. Hmmm…. I may not be Jewish but I can commiserate. The whole thing kicks off when she meets this odd quote spouting fellow who gives her the opportunity to relive certain events in her past and she learns some lessons along the way.

 

Who doesn’t wonder what would have happened if they made choices. Well, at least those who are prone to self-reflection. I unfortunately, swing too far in one direction. I am Hamlet. I tend to over think things- but thankfully my rash actions have not resulted in any violent deaths, yet.

 

Sometimes I think it would be easier to be a dullard- you just wouldn’t know any differently…like Flowers for Algernon.

 

My left brain understands that sh!t happens and without the crap, we may not realize how good we really have it. I know what I don’t want and I understand that there is only so much that is within my control. My life is not Job’s by any means but enough with the bullsh!t already- especially with work. People who know me are surprised that I have lasted this long at a full-time gig- especially one that has become increasingly soul sucking.

 

It is not in my nature to just “put in time.” Too many brain cells (never mind time) are wasted. I think it might be getting close to putting an end to the bullsh!t, stepping off the edge and see how scary things really are on the other side- the other side that I used to call home.

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~ by angryegg on February 25, 2009.

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